Sunday, December 21, 2008

Honesty

I just returned home from my local video game store and have a story to share.

I bought 5 games for Yule (3 for my other half, 2 for myself - couldn't help it) and upon walking to the car discovered that I had only been charged for four.  What did I do?  Turned around, walked back into the store, got back in line and paid for the other game - which, even used, set me back another $40.  The clerk was grateful and more than a bit surprised.

I know that there are quite a few people who would have just gotten in their car and driven away.  So why didn't I?  Foremost, my integrity is worth more than money.  Beyond that however, there is a very good reason.

When you buy a game you are doing more than just killing your social life for the next 40 hours of gameplay.  You are supporting and informing.  With my game purchase I let the retailer and game industry know what kind of games I'd like to see more of.  I said, "Here.  This is worth my hard earned money.  Make more good games and they will be bought."  It's a feedback system.  In our capitalist culture this is the consumers' power.  Now, believe me, I would love to see independent game developers not have to worry about sales and be able to go right on being creative without fear of the masses' approval.  Unfortunately, reality is a bit different.  This is why it is so important for those of us with (I think) decent taste to support the game industry.  Imagine if Psychonauts had been a runaway best selling game.  Mmmm.... more games in that vein.... yummy.

I understand that games are expensive and that it's no fun to be limited by the mainstream.  So here's to all the gamers out there buying unique, obscure, and wonderful games.  Keep it up.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Acronyms

"Just go to http..."
"In 1642 AD..."
"OMG!  Brb, the..."

We are surrounded by acronyms.  Some have received the status of words (laser, scuba) due to their history and longevity; others are quickly taking off in this world of text messaging and Internet usage.

While shopping for a KVM switch (Keyboard/Video/Monitor... or is it Mouse?) yesterday, it struck me how often we use acronyms that we have no idea the meaning of.  Especially in fields with heavy jargon, acronyms have become a way of speaking used so commonly we do not think about it anymore.  During my search for a KVM, out of curiosity, I asked a "Digital Sales Expert" what http stood for.  They had no idea.  (By the way - btw! - it's "hypertext transfer protocol".  Now who can tell, without looking it up, what html stands for?)

I have run into college students across the nation that think AD stands for "After Death" and are completely thrown by the whole B.C.E./C.E. change.  (I heartily approve the effort but in honesty it just seems like a new varnish on the same old piece of furniture.)  All while working on their BA or BS.

And shall I even begin the discussion on chatspeak and textspeak?  Most of it has been said before but let's look at things in a new light.

The entire purpose of language is to facilitate communication.  This is why it irritates me so when people do not enunciate or keep their audience in mind when speaking/writing.  There are times when an academic tone is demanded by the subject matter and times when something more conversational and vernacular is needed (say, in a safety video for a hazardous job that requires a through understanding).  So when do all these acronyms cross the line into miscommunication?It all depends on context.

Is a text message filled with jumbles of letters maiming the language?  If it gets the message across so that it is completely understood, I don't think so.  However, the danger comes when the use of such jargon becomes so commonplace as to displace other communication.  I have held several jobs that require me to work with the public and there have been a number of times I have been asked to 'interpret' a text sent to someone or myself been unable to understand an e-mail sent by a boss two levels up (something I really want to understand!) because of unfamiliar acronyms.  You want me to do what with what?  Is that physically possible?

Leaving such things as atrocious punctuation and garbled spelling promoted by such usage alone, one could interpret all these new acronyms as a good thing - they allow, in most cases, people to say more things quickly and still be understood.  Jargon - the breeder of acronyms - has long shown its use in every field.  From diner lingo to programming to the emergency room, acronyms have their place.  (Stat?)

Just please - keep me in mind when you start using that new piece of lingo in e-mails.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Accomplishment

While playing one of my plethora of videogames, I realized that decent part of my enjoyment in this past-time stems from the sense of accomplishment it gives me. This led me to reminiscing. I realized that while I have heard plenty from the "games are good" camp about them increasing hand-eye coordination and puzzle solving skills (both true), I have heard little about the positive image they can give one's self through accomplishment.

It seems that to be proud of one's abilities is in negative light among some groups nowadays. I have read several cases of honor rolls being disbanded because of one child doing better than another - and that other getting so upset that parents complained. To talk about, or even bring up, an accomplishment, be it physical, intellectual, or a combination is often viewed as arrogant or bragging. Meanwhile, accommodations, and even rewards, are given to those who cannot quite reach the bar. In this atmosphere, is it any wonder that anything that gives a sense of doing something right will bring throngs of business, as videogames have done?

Videogames reward. There are points, unlockables, levels, achievements, things you have to work for. Sure, there are cheat codes, but they are more often for sheer absurd fun - and never quite give the same warm glow that doing it yourself does. While multi-player is the most obvious arena for proving one's skill, single-player games have their merits as well. That sense of reward, of accomplishment, is what drives players to complete 100% of a game, or keep trying that tough level over and over again until they beat it. It's what keeps us coming back - if a game is too easy, I assure you it will not get near as much game time.

Gamers develop patience, creative thinking, coordination, reflexes and more because of this sense of accomplishment. It's like the way children learn at an early age - not because they have to, but because it is fun and because they earn the sense of pride that should come with any accomplishment. This sense of pride is not a bad thing. It is an essential component of our nature, what keeps us striving to be better than ourselves.

I have lost track of the number of gamer goals I have set for myself over the years. More often that not, they are things that have no tangible value but, rather, are connected in my mind with achieving something. However, no tangible value does not mean valueless. Through my gaming, I have learned how to set reasonable goals for myself and learned how to be proud of myself without being obnoxious - after all, no one wants to play with a gloater. I have learned how to budget my time and that, sometimes, the things we want will not come easy - a lesson, I think, that is disappearing.

Ultimately, that is the real value. Pushing yourself and enjoying yourself - it's no coincidence that video games hold much of the same positive traits as sports, martial arts, or difficult crafts and arts. They may be games, and often seen as a "worthless" way to spend time, but their lessons become even more deeply embedded because of the fun in them. Just don't tell the kiddies that the video games are good for them.

Taking this a step further, and a bit away from video games, could attempting to gain a sense of accomplishment not be the reason so many of our youth are embroiled in gangs and other unhealthy behavior? If you are not getting a sense of pride from home or school, would you not seek it elsewhere - somewhere with ranks and trials? All of my literature study suggests that people have an innate need to believe in something, to attach themselves to whatever it is that makes them feel accomplished or virtuous. This applies to religion, to nationalism, to any and all of the revolutionary causes. People get caught up in things larger than themselves because it is so easy to feel small - after all an individual in this world is but one of 6.7 billion (the current guesstimate is 6,707,035,007) and it seems that all that can be done either has been or is being done. It's a daunting thought.

Oh boy, new blog(s)!

I've decided to change things up a bit and create two new blogs.  Musing Quill will remain as the catchall for life observations, random thoughts, and other such goodies.  However, in keeping with my interests, I am also creating The Thoughtful Page for book reviews of my current reads and The Gaming Girl for all things game (video and otherwise) related.

I'm only pulling a couple of posts from Quill to get things started; after that it's all new and (hopefully) interesting.

Enjoy!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hungry? A short review of Michael Pollan.

I recently finished reading Michael Pollan's newest book, In Defense of Food.  For those who have not read this, or his first book The Omnivore's Dilemma, I heavily recommend both.  American eaters especially need to sit up and take notes - there are numerous eye-openers in both works about our modern food industry, just where our food comes from, how it gets to us, and all the little details that tend to be glossed over at the dinner table.    Beyond just questioning what food is, by the end of both you'll find yourself looking at your full pantry and saying "I don't have any food!"  This realization is not a bad thing.

Pollan realizes that many of his revelations will likely perturb or disturb his readers and does his best to bring a bit of lightheartedness to the situation with his dry wit and humor.  This is not to say that he shies away from saying what we need to hear, however.  Modern foods (or at least food-like products) are an industry, and it is time consumers recognized that.  Our diets and the diets of our children (he didn't bring up cafeteria food but it was certainly on my mind) are being determined by large businesses out for profit, no matter the cost in health to the consumer.  In this, consider Michael Pollan the modern Upton Sinclair.  However, this is not all there is to his works - ultimately everyone is going to bring something different away from these texts.  

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The List

For some time, close friends have been asking me for a list of recommended books.  Eventually this will go up on the website; for now, here is a beginning.  It is by no means complete and will be edited periodically.  Series are noted as such.

Must Reads
Daniel Quinn: Ishmael; My Ishmael; Story of B; Beyond Civilization; Story of B; After Dachau
Mark Z. Danielewski: House of Leaves
Heraclitus' Fragments
Mary Shelley: Frankenstein
Alan Moore: Watchmen
Marjane Satrapi: Persepolis (1 & 2)
C.S. Lewis: Screwtape Letters; Mere Christianity; Narnia Series

Should Reads
Shirley Jackson: The Lottery and other Stories
Lynn Truss: Eats, Shoots and Leaves
Frank Herbert: Dune (Series; some by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson)
Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Michael Pollan: The Omnivore's Dilemma; In Defense of Food

Noteworthy
Mark Twain: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
S.M. Stirling: Dies the Fire (Series)
Robin Hobb: Assassin's Quest (Series); Ship of Magic (Series)

Made the List Reads
Ira Levin: This Perfect Day
Neal Stephenson: Snow Crash

Saturday, December 13, 2008

No resets, no editing.

Today's OMW asks what in our life we would 'do-over' if we could.  For once, my reply might be under a minute.  

I would not do anything over.

I have long held that all of our experiences, good and bad, help to shape us into who we are.  I like who I am.  To change anything would be to deny my identity; to deny the self that I have become through the years.  This is not to say that I have a desire to freeze life where it is right now.  I will change and morph in the future, the same as I have for the past 26 years.  Life is a constant flux.  Without every joy and pain, who is to say who I would be?  To wish for a do-over in anything is to give into regret.  Regret is a scary thing to me - a thing that would eat away at the core of my identity.

We can catch only glimmers, through introspection, of what we take away from our experiences.  There are memories that I am sure are major factors in who I am and memories I have forgotten. (Are these memories then?  That's another debate.)  One's identity is a complex thing, difficult to summarize and difficult to ever fully know.  These forgotten memories, I'm sure, have been just as large of factors in my forging as the ones I reflect upon.  Again, we can never be entirely certain of how things have affected us.

So while I may edit my writings and reload a videogame save, I would never re-do anything in my life.  What is the point if this is not all some enormous learning experience?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Stimulation and times of stop

To be honest, I'm not sure where this is going; just a bit of a random thought I had.

Stop and do not smell the roses.

The average member of the first world populace craves stimulation, seeks it.  Never are we supposed to just stop - vacations require more planning than the work we are supposedly getting away from; silence is bothersome (chirping crickets anyone?); cell phones have become all-in-one tools of entertainment and updates; TVs are in every store and restaurant because the idea of just waiting in line and doing nothing else is becoming taboo.

Stop for just a moment.  Stop reading, close your eyes and realize that the world will not end if there are a few moments in which you have no obligations, nothing to do, and no stimulation.

What happened?  Did tension loosen or increase?  Were you able to keep the to do lists out of your head?  Could you, was it possible to, just stop?

There are several potential explanations for this phenomenon.  The environment we live in; a culture that does not allow pure moments of nothingness.  It could be that to do nothing, to stop, is associated with death, creating an intuitive fear.  There is the idea of time as a limited resource; to let seconds and minutes pass with no productivity or even fun in them is seen as waste.

Even in sleep we are not simply stopping.  We are preparing for the next day (doing something, acquiring something - "getting enough sleep"); we are dreaming; the alarm clock is set and it is all planned out.  Appreciate that snooze button - it's about the only sanctioned way to take a moment of no responsibility.

The times between sleeping and not - perhaps these are the times of stop.  The dawn and dusk of wakefulness; when the bed is still warm and the most comfortable; when there is nothing in our minds but the remnents of dreams quickly fading and then nothing.

Or maybe those are merely my times of stop.  Do you have any?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

New Layout, OMW, Childhood

So, what's the opinion on the new layout and color scheme?  A bit easier on the eyes?  Also, regular readers, feel free to follow (ack!  alliteration!) so I can know you are out there.

Ok, the OMW for the day is to write about one of our earliest memories.  Here, for your amusement.

I was young enough to still be crawling but old enough to be pulling up on things.  As far as I can tell, we were at some relatives' home - the carpet was a brown-orange and slightly shaggy.  I wanted my daddy but all I could see were shoes and legs.  I could hear talking and happy conversation above my head as I attempted to figure out which set of gigantic feet would lead to my father.  I thought I chose correctly and crawled over to someone sitting in a wooden chair.  I was wrong.  As I pulled up on the knees and looked up, the face I saw had a beard - my daddy did not.  I started bawling and felt embarrassment for probably the first time as the room burst into laughter around me.  After what felt like a significant amount of time, I was handed over to one of my parents.

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure it was my uncle whose lap I ended up in.  I'm sure at the time it was adorable but, just goes to show, you never know what kids will remember.

I wonder at times how much of our identity is shaped by moments like these, most of which we probably do not remember, or remember in a different light than actuality.  

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

OMW - Scar story

Your own scars can be a scary thing to write about. Each scar is a story, and, more importantly, a moment of vulnerability. Telling the story of a scar is, in a way, reopening that vulnerability. Especially in a public format, like a blog, to tell a scar story is to say "Here, this is part of who I am. Judge or not, as you will."

Most of my scars come from a period in time about five years ago when I was dealing with BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Though I have recovered (and that's another story!), I still carry the almost-shame of that time. In moments of introspection I realize that I wouldn't change anything; that time of hitting bottom helped me realize myself and define who I am. I like who I am. So, why the fear? Is the need for acceptance so ingrained that to voluntarily jeopardize it will always hold a tinge of 'wrong'?

The strongest people are those who can show weakness. This paradox is well worth remembering as we are asked to tell our scar stories. Can you laugh at yourself? Can you face where you have been and say: "What a time. It broke me. It defined me. I'm better for it."?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Niches

Quickie from OMW, then onto more post:
So, a new television network... I'm in debate with myself as to what it would be.  Like the book I'm working on, my taste is eclectic.  Would it be anime, simply good shows with fantastic stories (things like Firefly come to mind), Pagan-related, history, science...?   Our world is so diverse; it is a difficult thing to settle on only one niche.

This segues neatly into some of the thoughts I've been having recently.  The Internet is currently doing to television what television did to radio.  Beyond that however, are the cultural impacts.  Conflict - especially war - requires a Self/Other binary opposition; essentially, there has to be an Us or Them mentality.  Among the younger generations, at least in my observations from a western first-world country (certainly a limited viewpoint), this is changing.  There are still Self/Other mindsets, but, they seem to be divided along different lines than has ever come before.  People are categorizing themselves now, not on a larger national basis, but more on an individual interests basis.

To pre-counter some arguments, allow me to clarify.  Yes, people still think of themselves strongly according to their nation.  Come a national crisis, this is obvious.  The point I am making is that nation as a defining characteristic is becoming secondary.  We are, instead, hoards of individuals belonging to many, many, different groups.  

It is an obvious jump to say that this is due to technology, specifically that of interconnecting.  The Internet is the behemoth of this but one cannot discount also cell phones, world broadcast media, and widespread publishing in all forms.  Like movable type, the long-term cultural ramificaitons are worth a life-time of study and just as fogged to us as to those in the 15th century.  We are in many ways in an information Renaissance.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thanks Alice! (And, finally, a post!)

Many thanks to Alice for the One Minute Writing link - (for those interested, here's the link: http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/ )  So, here's today's...

There are certain riffs in music that I never mind looping in my head.  The bass line from Joker is one such.  Now for a tangent.

I have to wonder how much of our minds are our own.  Barring even the un- and sub-conscious, there are many examples of ways the mind defies what we consciously want it to do.  Getting a song stuck in one's head, various mental illnesses, rash impulses, that whatever one cannot seem to stop thinking about.  Now, true, the mind can be trained through various means - education, meditation, and so on - but the lack of attention often paid (or not, in this case) to a core factor of one's individuality is startling.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Wheels, part deux

When I spoke of diversity as life, I was speaking on a level much larger than the individual, or even the community/species - thus the ecosystem example.  To borrow from Quinn again, take for instance a system that involves one type of plant, one type of herbivore, and one type of carnivore. If any of these three die, all three die.  In order for there to be survival (in the greater sense) there needs to be diversity; multiple types of plants the herbivores can eat, multiple herbivores that thrive in different conditions etc. etc.

Now, to bring this back to the round/square wheels thing - yes, as Stirling posted in the comments, the round wheels are optimal and thus the most likely solution.  However, I'm going to have to disagree with the idea of there being only one optimum solution while agreeing with it (bear with that contradiction in terms for a moment.)

It all depends on what the goals are.  To repeat the quote: "All who make wheels, make them round."  Making a round wheel is reliant, to a degree, upon the intention to make a wheel.  If the intention is different - say, locomotion instead - the results begin to vary.  I realize this seems self-evident.  Where importance comes in is in realizing when we're trying to make wheels and when we're just attempting to move from point A to point Z.  

Part trois coming.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Square Wheels

While reading one of S.M. Stirling's fantastic novels (Go! Buy! Start with Dies the Fire) I ran across a quote that jarred me with its validity.

"Those who make wheels, make them round."

Stirling places this line in the context of a religious discussion, where it is indeed apt, but upon reflection I began to see the enormity of scope it can reference.

The idea encompassed goes beyond that of unconscious similarities in the methods or results of those with the same general goal.  It makes me wonder about the finiteness - or infinity - of creation, creativity, and diversity.

Diversity is life.  One needs only look at any ecosystem to realize and understand that.  An ecosystem without diversity will not survive.  (For more on this idea, read Daniel Quinn's incredible works: Ishmael, My Ishmael, Story of B, Beyond Civilization, and The Man Who Grew Young.) 

More to follow in future edits; just throwing this idea up in a mini-post to start some wheels (square wheels?) turning.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Working...

Working a 50 hour week (or two or three...)

Working on the JET program application process...

Working on keeping my sanity...

More posts soon.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Processes

Everything is related to process - everything we do, we do according to a process. Sometimes these processes are not conscious; an example being of course things like digestion and normal, unaware, breathing. Just as it seems there are an infinite number of actions in the world, so there are an infinite number of processes. After all, a process is simply how one does something.

A problem arises, however, when people forget the variety that defines our world. Having worked retail and foodservice, I have seen firsthand the results of people being crammed into a process that does not fit them. It's like attempting to put on a too-small shirt made of flimsy material... first the seams split, then the fabric itself, and no one is left happy. The headdesk part of the situation though is the existence of millions of other shirts behind a door everyone ignores. Routine being comfortable, or at least convincingly difficult to get out of, the door of change and diversity remains firmly shut.

I'm guilty of this on a personal level - that's what this post stems from. I had it so set in my head the way I should write and what I should be doing (what process I was supposed to be working off of) that I, ultimately, paralyzed myself.

Luckily for me, I have a genius for my other half. While at dinner last night, Andy pointed out how I've been limiting myself.

The result was exultation and personal epiphany.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Writing, technology, and relevance - Part 1

I write this initially with pen and paper; the greatest technology used being a clipboard. There is something joyous and almost spiritual in writing by hand. The words take on a personality beyond their definition and context; the traits of the markings themselves convey and infer further connotations. Here, the cursive speeds up, becoming less defined and more of a straight line as thought straightens. Here, there is a mixture of styles as thoughts spatter about. Here, a 't' is not crossed, an 'i' left undotted. Misspellings, scribbles, annotations and illegibility. Handwriting can quickly become a chaotic creative cauldron we word-witches brew letters and symbols in to produce a potion of manifested, tangible, thought.

Though I know as I write this that it will be posted on-line, I find myself in a different mindset than occurs while typing and looking at a screen. There is less distraction, less extraneous tools. I feel more free to just write, knowing I'll be able to edit later as I type.

Two nights ago I had a conversation with my software engineer boyfriend about the relevance of technology to certain fields. The obvious field to come into question and under discussion was mine - writing, literature, and so forth. The technology needed for the actual work I do is minimal. Humankind has long been writing in one form or another. What was eventually brought up was less technology's relevance to the actual work and more its impact on the sharing and distribution of the work.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Personal update

This is just a personal update for those who want it:

I officially have my Bachelor's degree in English. Plans for the future include applying to the JET program and writing as much as possible. For those who don't know, the JET (Japanese Exchange and Teaching) program sends those accepted over to Japan for a year to help with ESL (English as a Second Language) work and generally foster good relations between Japanese youth and youths from other countries (such as, in my case, the USA). The application process is almost a year long, starting this September, and if I am accepted I will be in Japan for a year starting around Aug 2009. Needless to say, I'm extremely excited about the prospect. I've visited Japan once and absolutely loved the place. In addition, I'm currently doing ESL teaching independently and it has to be one of the most rewarding and interesting types of teaching I've ever been exposed to.

As for the writing, all I can do is keep at it. I'm working on a good amount of personal work that I hope to submit to various places - so if the posts are lacking, that's why. However, that said, I enjoy the blogging as well and it keeps me in form so I will attempt to keep updates regular. Writing is lifeblood to me. Even when I'm not writing, I'm writing - turning ideas over in my head, developing characters/plots/etc, nearly dying in car accidents as I try to scribble down that really interesting thought...

On an even more personal note, Andy and I are doing well and will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary this Samhain (Halloween). For graduation my parents gave us a cruise (fun!) and so we'll probably take it around either then or my birthday in November.

If anyone has any other questions as to what is going on, just post in the comments.

Ja Ne!

-Melissa Rhys-

Monday, August 11, 2008

The nature of writing - part one of gajillion

My old fiction writing professor (Judy Troy) once told me that most of writing consists of long showers and walking the dog. She was right.

I have long had a love/hate relationship with writing on demand. There are times it is a boon - creating enough tension to cattle-prod inspiration into striking. There are also times it causes the viscosity of the creative juices to increase proportional to the deadline. Recently, I have discovered another aspect to writing on demand: the properties of it remain the same no matter the "demander" - for as of late I am both demanding and the demandee.

In front of me, in its nice tidy frame, sits my newly-minted diploma, proclaiming my prowess through the achievement of a "Bachelor of Arts (English)." On top of and hanging off of the frame are invisible goblins making faces at me every time I sit down at this computer and don't write. Some are goblins of expectations questioning why I am not midway through a major work. Some are goblins of creativity (3rd cousins to the Muses) who alternately sprinkle my fingers with magic dust of genius and magic dust of dumb. It's impossible to tell the bags apart until I'm settled in and have been sprinkled for the session. Some are goblins of guilt, some goblins of doubt - both closely related to the goblins of expectations. These are the worst, but at least they are kept under control by the goblins of confidence and support.

Credibility - you have to live up to it in order to keep it. Thus the goblins and the goal-setting. I would be writing anyway - I cannot NOT write - but in some ways I feel that my graduation has raised my standards for myself. Not low to begin with, my expectations of myself are now such that it's slightly intimidating. I'm sure other writers have experienced this; if not after getting a degree, then perhaps after their first publication or such. I'll balance out I'm sure - as long as I remember to feed the goblins.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Faces and Feelings

Most have heard some version of the phrase "Hiding one's feelings behind one's face" - meaning to hide what is truly being felt behind a facade, a (usually) fake exterior. I am more interested in the reverse of this idea - that of hiding one's face behind one's feelings.

One's face is more than what one presents to the world. You can, as said in Bye, Bye Birdie, "put on a happy face" but our culture recognizes that a face put on is not the real person. There are phrases such as "he showed his true face" or the obvious "two-faced" insult that implies that neither face is real. One's face, one's true face, is, simply, who one is.

In this era of personal webpages, instant fame with youtube, and, of course, Facebook, there are snippets of identity available at every click. (On a side note, don't ask if I'm on Facebook - I'm not. This is as close as I get.) Employers, co-workers, that blind date on Saturday night - people are using these technological resources to, in theory, find out who the person they are interested in 'really' is. The frightful aspect of all this is the idea that one's "face-value," that is, the face presented online, is becoming the basis for judgements made about the reality and identity of one's self by others. The false or incomplete face is being seen as real.

So, there's the scary set-up. Now, how does this relate to hiding one's face behind one's feelings? (For that matter, what exactly do I mean by that phrase?)

Who one is, the core self, is a deeper thing than can be explored in one entry. However, I will say this - I do not think that we are defined by our feelings. Not our emotions, not our passions, not our regrets. Our experiences, yes, our reactions, yes, our self-spirit, yes but there is a difference between these things and our feelings. For example, I have a passion for writing. I love it, I love every aspect of it - even the hair-pulling, banging-head-on-desk ones. But, does this passion define me? No, or at least, only on the surface. Deeper than, and driving, the passion for writing is the need to express myself, to create and react to all that is around me. This need does not have the burning of a passion or the fluidity of a feeling - it is simply a part of me, like the need to breathe or the ability to think. However, this core part of my self is in a way hidden by my passion for writing - in this way, I am hiding my face behind my feelings. In this same manner we cannot define others simply by what we see - and thusly may never be able to define another person. The person who gets angry at a mess left for them to clean up is not defined by that anger (even if it happens constantly.) Rather, perhaps hir is defined by the deeper sense of a need for order and organization. The way the mind works, the structured or chaotic or twisted thinking within it, seems to be what defines a person far more than feelings. People who feel the need for order will show that in more than just anger or exasperation at a mess. It will come through in their habits, their hobbies, their work choice, and so forth. In this way, their "tidiness" etc cannot define them because the root of that tidiness (or anger or whatever) is something else entirely.

In this, we find that we can only judge or know people empirically, by the symptoms they show of who they are.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Almost

Well, we've just about got everything moved - which means posts will be more regular soon - and of course, all this exertion has provoked a few thoughts. Some have already been jotted down as drafts and will be posted in time. In the meanwhile, here's some random musings.

What makes a place home? Is is the physical place? The memories created there? A combination? Or, rather, is it the manifestation of self and a sense of belonging? I'm inclined to believe the lattermost. We put into our homes - no matter how large or small - pieces of who we are. These pieces need not be material things. One can be as simple as that water stain that always looked like a face or the view from a particular window. By attaching emotions and thoughts to such things we make them ours. We may not in actuality own the things in that view but the view itself is ours.

Transitions - why are they so exciting and scary? The reason could be the same reason we fear death, that is, they are filled with the unknown. In every transition is potential for blessing and bane. Moreover, they are filled with the knowledge that things will never be this way again. Thus nostalgia is born, retrobias, and the sense that either moving forward towards "better" things or back to the "good ol' days" would increase the quality of our lives. In this, one never finds satisfaction in the present.

More to come but life intervenes.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Elusive and Lasting

It's July 4th and I cannot help but reflecting on life's elusivity and lastingness. As an American, I recognize the sacrifices that went into and still go into keeping the right of choice for citizens. Each human life - from those given in 1776 to those in 2008 both lost and still in the fight - is but cosmically inconsequential. Yet, to use a slightly cliched but ever-apt metaphor, we are all the cause of ripples in the pond.

The war in Iraq is a topic that is unique. It has been overly-discussed and yet still has the ability to generate discussion and strife. People are asking questions such as: "What are we really fighting for anyway?" "How did this happen?" and "What is this doing to us - as people, as a nation?" We are all too close to the situation and time to answer these questions. Perhaps one day, in my children's or my grandchildren's history books, the answers will emerge. Or maybe, more likely, there will be many answers - some conflicting - depending on who is writing the history books.

It is said that one person can make a difference in this world, despite being one of billions. Certainly there have been figures in history that seem to validate this idea - Socrates, Descartes, Einstein, Jefferson, Franklin, Tesla, and so on. Yet I have to wonder if, due to the sheer volume of minds that have existed, there is not a kind of inevitably to progress. Study the history of science or literature and you see that breakthroughs in thought and technology tend to come in waves, often with many reaching - individually - the same or similar conclusions around the same time period.

This is not to say that there is no point to individual human lives or to promote a sort of fatalism. We are all our own universes, each of us a unique culmination of our time and experiences that will never happen again. Every life is one of a kind - amusingly, it is difference that creates the only universal sameness across culture and time. We all influence each other - short and long term - and we all contribute to what will influence those that come after us. In this we are all both, invariably, immortal and brief.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Passivity's Place

While doing some gender studies work, a thought occurred to me. Somehow, over the course of all the good work feminists have done, the word "passive" has become negative. I can only think that this is due to the embracing of binary oppositions.

For those not familiar with the term, I will elaborate: Binary oppositions are pairs of opposites, dichotomies, one of which is (usually) considered dominant or "better". Examples include male/female, strong/weak, positive/negative, civilization/nature, and, active/passive. Many, myself included, place the beginning of such a mindset around the Enlightenment, due especially to the writings of such philosophers as Descartes with his split of the mind and body.

Allow me to be a bit unconventional here and say that the idea of thinking in pure opposites - in black and white - is, in a word, foolish.

Passivity has its place, as does being active. There are times that being passive actually requires more strength than immediately jumping into action. Passivity brings contemplation and meditation upon the situation at hand.

This is not to say that we should become stepping stones for those around us. Rather, it is important to take into account that situations and people are multi-faceted and the culmination of a great many factors - and that there are multiple solutions for any such problem. Remember Gandhi's methods, or the bus boycotts in Montgomery during the Civil Rights movement. Both were cases of taking action through passivity.

There is a danger in binary oppositions that is too easy to fall into. They are seductive, giving people an assurance that they are right and that the "other" is wrong. They promote narrow-mindedness and limit one's viewpoint. While this may sound like common sense, it is so simple to get caught up in binary thinking that it is often not seen for what it is. Remember, every "villain" has been doing what they thought was right. Opening one's self up to the idea that the "other" may be just as valuable is scary and lacks the security that putting one's self and identity in a niche brings.

So how does this relate to gender studies? Well, in the course of feminism, many rights have been gained but I feel something has been lost as well. Too many women in our culture now feel that if they do not want to work, if they would rather perform more traditional duties, that they would somehow be betraying their gender by enjoying what is seen as a passive role. This is a result of binary thinking. So many women are stretching themselves so thin attempting to be everything that is expected of them that their enjoyment of who and what they are is lost. Being active, that is, working and shunning a passive identity, has gained such positive connotations that it overshadows the main thing that feminists were really fighting for - choice. By shedding binary thinking, one gains choice and the ability to see all the shades of gray available. Moreover, one is not limited by culture's whisperings that, in a supposed a/b situation, that 'a' is good and 'b' is bad.

So. Choice of many facets or security in a limited mindset - it all depends on whether you open your eyes.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Video Games and Achievement

Hiatus over. I just cannot stand not writing for that long (ugh, double negatives - been reading too much Faulker.)

While playing one of my plethora of video games, I realized that decent part of my enjoyment in this past time stems from the sense of accomplishment it gives me. This led me to reminiscing. I realized that while I have heard plenty from the "games are good" camp about them increasing hand-eye coordination and puzzle solving skills (both true), I have heard little about the positive image they can give one's self through accomplishment.

It seems that to be proud of one's abilities is in negative light among some groups nowadays. I have read several cases of honor rolls being disbanded because of one child doing better than another - and that other getting so upset that parents complained. To talk about, or even bring up, an accomplishment, be it physical, intellectual, or a combination is often viewed as arrogant or bragging. Meanwhile, accommodations and even rewards are given to those who cannot quite reach the bar. In this atmosphere, is it any wonder that anything that gives a sense of doing something right will bring throngs of business, as video games have done?

Video games reward. There are points, unlockables, levels, things you have to work for. Sure, there are cheat codes, but they are more often for sheer absurd fun - and never quite give the same warm glow that doing it yourself does. While multi-player is the most obvious arena for proving one's skill, single-player games have their merits as well. That sense of reward, of accomplishment, is what drives players to complete 100% of a game, or keep trying that tough level over and over again until they beat it. It's what keeps us coming back - if a game is too easy, I assure you it will not get near as much game time.

Gamers develop patience, creative thinking, coordination, reflexes and more because of this sense of accomplishment. It's like the way children learn at an early age - not because they have to, but because it is fun and because they earn the sense of pride that should come with any accomplishment. This sense of pride is not a bad thing. It is an essential component of our nature, what keeps us striving to be better than ourselves.

I have lost track of the number of gamer goals I have set for myself over the years. More often that not, they are things that have no tangible value but, rather, are connected in my mind with achieving something. However, no tangible value does not mean valueless. Through my gaming, I have learned how to set reasonable goals for myself and learned how to be proud of myself without being obnoxious - after all, no one wants to play with a gloater. I have learned how to budget my time and that, sometimes, the things we want will not come easy - a lesson, I think, that is disappearing.

Ultimately, that is the real value. Pushing yourself and enjoying yourself - it's no coincidence that video games hold much of the same positive traits as sports, martial arts, or difficult crafts and arts. They may be games, and often seen as a "worthless" way to spend time, but their lessons become even more deeply embedded because of the fun in them. Just don't tell the kiddies that the video games are good for them.

Taking this a step further, and a bit away from video games, could attempting to gain a sense of accomplishment not be the reason so many of our youth are embroiled in gangs and other unhealthy behavior? If you are not getting a sense of pride from home or school, would you not seek it elsewhere - somewhere with ranks and trials? All of my literature study suggests that people have an innate need to believe in something, to attach themselves to whatever it is that makes them feel accomplished or virtuous. This applies to religion, to nationalism, to any and all of the revolutionary causes. People get caught up in things larger than themselves because it is so easy to feel small - after all an individual in this world is but one of 6.7 billion (the current guesstimate is 6,707,035,007) and it seems that all that can be done either has been or is being done. It's a daunting thought.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Temporary Hiatus

There will be a slight lack of posts for the next few weeks as I concentrate on graduating and moving. Until then, ponder this: why have we based our civilization around non-renewable resources?

Friday, June 6, 2008

Ahh, Heraclitus

For those unaware, Heraclitus was a notable Greek philosopher who was quoted fairly regularly by other Greek philosophers, such as Aristotle and Plato. While no known complete works survive, scholars have gathered fragments of his work from these quotations. Below are a two of these fragments, 110 and 48 respectively, taken from the Dennis Sweet translation (copyright 1995, University Press of America), and my response to them.

“It is not better for people to obtain all that they want.”

There are those in this Western materialistic culture for whom the first reaction to the above fragment would be disbelief. After all, isn't that why so many Americans are deep in credit card debt – obtaining all that they want? Isn't that very desire part of what keeps capitalism alive?

A strong appetite, of whatever type, be it physical hunger, intellectual, etc. is a large factor in what makes us human. However, with this fragment Heraclitus suggests two ideas very important to survival and happiness: that of moderation in desire and the danger inherent in achieving all that they want.

Without moderation there is loss of value. The value of so many things, material and not, is relative – happiness is known to be good by also experiencing sadness. To obtain all that one wants is to say that one would never want again. One who never wanted would soon be a miserable person, if that one could be called a person at all at that point. There would be no sense of drive for anything and, worse, no identity for the person. While the former is certainly a frightening idea for some, it is the latter that is the real danger.

Identity is found in loss and striving. It is important to note that this does not apply solely to material goods – even a Taoist, shun worldly desire as he/she will, is still striving for something spiritually; this striving is where he/she finds identity. What spark of life would there be for one who had everything they desired? What reason would there be to continue? Eventually, it is very possible that the person who had everything they wanted to want death – and then they would get that too.


“The bow's name is life, its deed is death.”

We are all a bow; within each of us is life and death. We live, yes, but throughout each of us, at all times, parts of us are dying and being replaced. Further, we all gain life through death in the absolutely necessary act of eating. Even if one is a vegetarian – plants, too, are live things we kill, put into our bodies, and convert, through their death, into life. Realizing this, the fragment gains poignancy in that the bow was used for bringing food into the home.

Going deeper, the idea of us as the bow holds even more true. We call ourselves alive, just as “the bow's name is life”, yet in actuality we are all dying, heading towards telos, ending, from the moment of birth; in this all of our deeds – all the things we do, consequential or not – are death.

It is important, too, not to overlook another function of the bow besides bringing in food – that of defending the self, family, or community, that of killing other people. Through the bringing of death, one can further life – the slaughter of the Suitors in The Odyssey comes to mind immediately. The Suitors were causing a slow death to the household, killing it and therefore killing the House of Odysseus both materially and in reputation. Only with their deaths, with the cessation of their actions, could life begin again for the household.

Life and death must be intertwined; one cannot and should not have one without the other. Death is vital – it brings an end to suffering, it keeps us alive, it continues the cycle we are all part of. Is there a distinction between name and deed? Is not one named by one's deeds? If so, then Heraclitus is expressing more than just life and death as separate in one object – he is expressing that they are essentially the same.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

The Shunning of Eris

More thoughts from the Greek Literature class...

One of the more interesting occurrences, to me, in the story of Troy actually occupies little space in Edith Hamilton's Mythology – that which started it all, the treatment of Eris, goddess of Discord. Hamilton describes Eris as “evil” and “naturally not popular”, a characterization which, I feel, is unfair. Eris' realm of control is discord and chaos and, while these things might not always be pleasant, they are very necessary. In our human lives, both chaos and structure are needed. Without structure all would devolve into an uncontrollable mess and yet without chaos all would become a rigid, unchangeable, stagnation. Having only one or the other would quickly result in death for the human species – life would either become a barbaric struggle to look out for oneself or an Orwellian 1984 world of control and smothering of all things creative and progressive.

However, part of the human condition is fearing change and discord, no matter that change can be a very good thing. This, I think, is the cause of the shunning of Eris. Eris epitomized that which so many fear most – a lack of control. Humans expend a great deal of energy in their lives to control their little universes. People farm to control the food supply, build communities to control their safety, and create laws to control the actions of those around them. Having these created structures – created because we weren't always farmers, builders, and lawmakers – has allowed what we call civilization to prosper. Yet the big jumps have always been the result of the unexpected, the unplanned, the accidents, on both a macro and micro level such as with the Renaissance, Industrial Revolution, the discovery of penicillin, and the dreams that led to some of the great works of literature like Frankenstein. Introduce chaos to structure and great things can happen. Still, despite her value, Eris was demonized. As a result she sought revenge and brought more discord through her revenge than she might have caused had she been invited to the banquet and embraced for what she was. Readers can take a lesson from this: do not attempt to thwart chaos, for the results will often be more disastrous than if chaos and the change it (she) brings had been taken into account and 'invited'.

For the Greeks, and for us, the actions of the gods reflected what the actions of mortals would be, thus the rejection of Eris is telling of the human mindset. The fear of change drives society as a whole. Stability is what is reached for – regularity and systematic structure. However, Eris was/is not evil. It is an important point to remember that it was not Eris' action – the throwing of the golden apple – that created the chaos; it was the reaction to her action. The reactions of the other gods, and the weakness of Paris, were the ultimate causes of discord. The apple was merely a pretty object, one that could have been ignored or shared. Chaos is what it is; it is not inherently good or evil. A farmer relies on the seasons and the weather to do the expected in order to harvest; a bit of chaos, such as a late frost or a freak storm, can impoverish him. What is easy to forget is that a drought, too, is stable and unchanging, causing the need for a bit of chaos to intervene with welcome rain.

Cosmic Justice

In my Greek Literature class we are studying ways in which the Greek myths are metaphors or lessons for the human condition. I'll be posting here some thoughts that come up in discussion throughout the semester.

A theme that occurs again and again in the Greek stories is the fickleness of fate and the idea that bad, even horrible, things can happen to those considered heroes or worthy beings. While there are cases in which the punishments are considered only what the person deserved, such as with King Laius and Jocasta (for trying to kill their son), there are, as often as not, instances in which the victims were blameless – such as the cases of Actaeon, Procris, or Creusa. Edith Hamilton in Mythology phrases it as “Their fate indeed was a proof that suffering was not a punishment for wrongdoing; the innocent suffered as often as the guilty” (375).

These stories of senseless sufferings and death have, I think, an even stronger impact on us than the ones in which the sufferer brought their fate upon themselves. As humans, we like to think that there is justice in the world or that, at the least, things happen for a reason. This notion comes out especially strong in religious beliefs – in the idea of karma, in the new testament stories of Jesus, in reincarnation as something deserving of your past life's doings. Rarely do people admit that sometimes bad things just happen – such as in the case of a loved one being killed in a car accident; always there is someone with the sentiment that “God has a reason for everything” or some other platitude. It is the rare and often chastised individual that states that “These things happen.” Because of the fragility of life and the fear inspired by our own mortality, such an idea – that misfortune can fall upon anyone – is terrifying and avoided.

The Greeks understood this avoidance and fought it. Over and over, their heroes endure trials and tribulations completely out of proportion to their actions. Sometimes they overcome, as Odysseus did, and sometimes they die, like Antigone, Procris, or Actaeon. Sometimes the gods are blamed, sometimes misfortune or fate, but the prevalence of the theme itself speaks of a knowledge that humans' lives are very much at the whim of the universe – and that it is, perhaps, necessary to acknowledge this if we are to go on living without going crazy.

In the film The Princess Bride there is a line that echoes this knowledge of the Greeks. The grandfather, in response to his grandson's protests that things are not happening as they should, states “Who says life is fair? Where is that written?” Deep within us, I think, we all realize that life isn't fair, that the good guys do not always win, that the underdog really doesn't stand a chance. It is more than possible that denying this actually harms us more than helps us. Yes, hope is important, however an unrealistic view of the nature of 'Life, the Universe, and Everything' more often leads to extra grief as we try to justify the events around us rather than accepting them for what they are and working through them. By constantly telling stories of harm without reason, the Greeks pointed out to themselves and to us the nature of the human condition – that ultimately there are things that will not make sense and that, while it is a tragedy, we have to live with it.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Car Tags and Deities

There is something that has been bothering me for a while now – the new design of the state-issued car tag for Alabama. For those who don't live in my current part of the country, or for those who haven't noticed a problem, allow me to expound.


The tag issued by the (let me emphasize again) State of Alabama reads as follows on the bottom: “God Bless America” If you now see what my issue is, good on you. For those who still don't see the problem, I'll take it a little further.


By having such a statement as “God Bless America” on a tag – and making getting any other tag more expensive – the state is then purporting to endorse a religion, specifically a monotheistic, if not Judeo-Christian religion. Now, I am not overly shocked at the fact that Alabama, being as deep in the bible-belt as it is, has so far gotten away with this. However, it bothers me on a basic level as a citizen of the United States – which, remember, has freedom of religion and (in theory) separation of church and state – that if I want to obey the law and have a tag on my car, I have to endorse a religion that I might not believe in and drive everyday with a religious message on my personal vehicle.


So what to do? Well, personalized tags are $50 extra – even that amount is too much to pay for a matter of principle. The state could, I suppose, expand their horizons and issue other tags. If they feel they must include religion, I have a few suggestions. How about “Gods Bless America” or “Goddess Bless America”? Or, if they're feeling really creative, how about “Deity Bless America”? I suppose it would be difficult to fit in “Some Higher Force That Might Exist” for the agnostics but they could always just leave a blank space for the atheists. “Bless America”... might work for everyone. If not, we could just put "Bob-the-Fluffy-Cloud Bless America" on instead. It might fit.


Hopefully I'll be moving soon and the issue will become moot on a personal level. In the meantime, write your politicians so I can stop ranting.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

So here we go, into transitions

I've written in journals for years but this is a new experience - it's not that I've been avoiding blogging, just perhaps a bit on the biased side towards ink and paper. Still, even if no one reads this but myself, the nature of blogging at least means that I will still have my musings around in future years - provided that I don't just want to forget that I was ever young and idealistic.

There is a bittersweetness to life right now. As a graduating college senior I am understanding, perhaps more thoroughly than I ever have before, the mixture of joy and sadness that comes with transitions. Looking back through my studies, I see that this idea is not a new one but rather one that has been explored across time and culture. In the Odyssey, the idea of victory containing grief is one of the major themes and, while I can't match Homer I at least hope to understand this concept more for insight into my own life.

It has been my experience that Western modern culture has a penchant for placing things into their own little niches, for creating binary oppositions, for categorizing and pigeonholing. The gray areas of life are merely confused, straddling the fence, or in need of a deeper look that will classify them once and for all. From Descartes onward there has been a split in ourselves - it's time to pull ourselves together. As one who lives in said Western culture, I think it is time to again explore our identities.

The joy and sadness I spoke of as a graduate - are these truly separate emotions? Joy at having worked hard and succeeding, sadness at leaving this phase of my life behind? On the surface maybe, but I find that the more I delve within myself, the more difficult it is to pry them apart. Instead, I find the need to recognize this emotion as something else, an entity in and of itself. It is more than bittersweetness; it is a feeling of loss through victory. If there is a word for it in English, I don't know it. So to perform a bit of neologism - it is malvictos.